“Last night my boyfriend suddenly took out a red string and asked if I wanted to do something ‘different’. I was so scared that I almost slapped my slippers on his face.”
——Backstage reader @小满
Maybe you just don’t really understand BDSM. Today, we will use plain language, some jokes, and some academics to take you through the whole story behind these four letters.
Four letters, four ways to play, a lot of fun
1.Bondage
Use ropes, handcuffs, and scarves to “fix” people. The aesthetics of Japanese rope bondage emphasizes “like knitting a sweater on the human body”, which is beautiful and has a safety release valve. According to statistics from the Nikkei Art Magazine in 2022, Tokyo rope bondage workshops will be held 1,200 times a year, and 80% of participants said that “they feel more secure in being embraced.”
2.Discipline
Set rules + enforce them, such as “write a self-criticism if you make a mistake” and “don’t look directly at the owner”. Psychology attributes it to behavior shaping, “reward and punishment → expectation → behavior again”, which is similar to a fitness coach asking you to punch in, except that the props are changed from dumbbells to rulers.
3.Dominance & Submission（D/s）
The core is “power transfer”. The superior (Dom) gives instructions, and the subordinate (Sub) decides whether to accept and use safe words to stop at any time – it sounds like the workplace, but the difference is that it is really a “two-way race” here.
4.Sadism & Masochism（S/M）
Pain ≠ violence. A 2019 MRI study by American neurologist James Pfaus found that when the whip falls, the subordinate’s brain secretes endorphins (natural morphine), the same chemicals as the “runner’s high” after high-intensity running.
Don’t make a fuss, safety is written into the “Constitution”
No matter how much fun you have, you still need a talisman.
SSC: Safe + Sane + Consensual
Basic protection, like wearing a helmet.
RACK: Risk-Aware + Consensual + Kink
Upgraded version, admit that “risk always exists”, sign “travel accident insurance” first.
PRICK: Personal Responsibility + Informed + Consensual + Kink
Whoever proposes should pay, adults should not shirk responsibility.
In a word: as long as the other party says “red light (safe word)”, brake immediately, don’t be a hero.
3 common “scripts” of master-slave relationships
24/7 D/s
Like setting Wi-Fi to “always on”, suitable for long-term partners with extreme trust.
CGL / DDLG (Caregiver & Little)
With a little parent-child or care element, “discipline at night, remember to bring strawberry milk to the kids during the day”.
Owner & Pet
Poop shoveler and cats and dogs, a leash solves communication barriers.
Of course, it can also be “Brat & Tamer” or “Mentor & Student”… As long as the rules are written, no one else can control it.
Why are some people obsessed with this? Three lines of answers
Physiological level: pain → endorphins → pleasure.
Psychological level: role swapping can temporarily “turn off” the daily identity and give the brain a break.
Emotional level: high-intensity trust + vulnerable exposure, closer intimacy. In 2021, “Archives of Sexual Behavior” surveyed 3,587 couples, and the relationship satisfaction of BDSM practitioners was 12% higher than that of regular couples.
Want to try? Pass the “three-step self-check” first
① Which part do I want to experience?
Pain, bondage, or role-playing? Don’t be vague and say “all are fine”.
② What are the bottom lines and minefields?
No scars, no touching on the face, no cold violence… Write it down, and both parties sign and seal it.
③ How to do aftercare?
Cold compress, hydration, hug, talk about feelings, don’t turn off the lights and go to bed without any of these. Psychology says that the “fall effect” is most likely to appear 30 minutes after the event. If the aftercare is not done well, it will hurt people more than not having sex.
“Starter Package” for beginners
Three-piece set of props for beginners: scarf + soft leather paddle + eye mask.
Start with a 3-minute timer, don’t do the “Thousand-hand Guanyin” right away.
First learn 2 basic knots (single-column and double-column wrists), just search on YouTube.
Use “words that are unlikely to appear in daily life” as safe words, such as “space station” or “hot pot”.
BDSM is not a perversion, it is a way of communication
Fancy binding and whips look very “heavy”, but in fact, it turns the intimate process of “emotional needs-rules-feedback” into a highlight mode, forcing you to listen carefully and respond in time.
As sexologist Meg-John Barker said:
“The essence of BDSM is to say ‘what I want’ and get a response.”
If you can practice this communication lesson with knots, rulers and safe words, even if you don’t use any props in the future, your intimate relationship will be smoother. I hope everyone can explore the free boundaries of body and mind under the premise of safety, rationality and informed consent – after all, discovering the real self is sexier than any rope.
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